American Beauty

I had one of those moments today. You know, the kind they steal for the movies, the kind you remember forever. You never see it coming, but you know know it when it's happening. Sometimes it's the simplest thing. We were sitting under a cafe umbrella when it started pouring, but we just pulled the chairs in closer and stayed, sipping our coffee together in the rain. There were people talking about nothing nearby, and the traffic moved in slow motion. I should have been cold, my drink was cold, but I wasn't. For a moment, there was so much beauty in the world.

Things are going better than I expected. The end of the semester just might come together after all. I have a plan, and it's not crazy (although I am). Even though there's still a keg on my porch and I dunno how to pay all my bills, I'm not afraid of how I'm gonna make it this month without breaking down in tears. I'm gonna be just fine. Even on the rainy days.

I've been wanting to make mix tapes again lately, part of that creative outlet thing, I suppose. Almost got it together enough to draw yesterday, but that fell through. I'll get there soon. But mix tapes I can do. I have one for every kind of weather, one for driving at night, one for love, one for sorrow, one for looking on to tomorrow. I think I might start posting mixes I'm especially happy with on here to share with the entire four person audience I have. Oh, internet! I love expressing the moment with music. My life has a soundtrack. I want it to be a good one.

And just to counter all the happy bubbliness, I'd like to say, right now, my dumb exes are acting like total fucks. I'm sure I said I'm supposed to feel for them because they're sad or whatever, but there's no good excuse for just being an asshole. I'm doing my best here, to be your friend or respect your wishes or whatever the fuck it is you want, but I can only take so much abuse before I snap! Either be in my life, or don't, but don't treat me like you have free license to treat me like crap. DeJesus Christ! Before you know it, I'll wish I never knew you, and you won't even have someone to mistreat.

Whew. That helped. Too much animosity building up, can't have that. Sometimes I think writing keeps me a good person, you know. Jude says that the thing you do when you're not doing what you're supposed to is the thing you're really supposed to be doing, but by that logic, I ought to be writing. I wonder, why can't I have both? Why can't I have it all?